Living Your Unlived Life
I picked up Living Your Unlived Life by Robert A. Johnson & Jerry M. Ruhl because in 2006 I decided to “start living the life I’ve always wanted to live before I die before I die.” The title of the book was so similar to my catchphrase that I wanted to see what the authors had to say.
The book is geared toward those “in the second half of life,” which I suspect means Baby Boomers (1946-1964), the leading edge of whom are now entering their 60s. I’m Generation X, but only by a few years, and I often find myself looking at books geared toward slightly older adults.
Living Your Unlived Life is built around Jungian principles, although it’s fairly accessible — in particular, it uses the story of twins Castor and Pollux to characterize the life one has chosen to live and the shadow-life one has chosen not to live. Because, of course, for every choice we make, dozens of other choices are necessarily curtailed, leaving us with a vast number of shadow-selves, unrealized identities that can lead to dissatisfaction and regret as one grows older.
Johnson and Ruhl, as psychologists, discuss how these regrets over what wasn’t done can manifest in our lives and argue that in one’s midlife, if one feels dissatisfied, tempted toward self-destructive behavior, or driven to self-destructive behavior, it can be the effect of these unrealized selves coming to the fore. For example, a married woman attracted to a “bad boy” and considering an affair might want to consider what it is about the “bad boy” that is so attractive to her. Has she herself become so conservative and risk-free that she’s reaching out to risk in the shape of another person? What can she do that will get her in touch with her own inner “bad boy” that will not put her marriage at risk?
Much of this will be familiar to anyone who has read other books about Jungian psychology and archetypes. Where this book differs from others of its ilk is in suggesting ways in which these shadow-selves might be usefully tapped or reintegrated to refresh or reinvent one’s life in middle age, at that time when many people pause to consider all the paths not taken. Moreover, Johnson and Ruhl move the book in spiritual directions as Johnson, who is now in his 80s, contemplates death and the longing for paradise as a return to the integrated self. For example, he makes intriguing statements such as, “[u]nderstood psychologically, reincarnation refers to the redemption of our unlived life, the necessity of addressing all our potentials before we can realize God (unity)” (p. 233). You can pay attention to the more spiritual messages in this book or not, as you like; they’re present here and there but not intrusive if you prefer to stick to a somewhat more clinical level of psychological analysis.
Writers have often found Jungian psychology of particular interest. Many books on writing discuss characters and plots in archetypical terms or advise writers to draw on their shadows to release creativity. In Living Your Unlived Life, writers will find Chapter 6, “Active Imagination: Talking Back to Ourselves,” of particular interest, as it argues that “I” is not singular and that there’s a reason to tap into all the repressed or unwanted sides of our personalities. Surely writers do that every time they create a character who differs from themselves, and the ideas and exercises in this chapter may further be of help to writers who are having any difficulties with characterization. The chapter is intriguing both to those reading the book as self-help and those who imagine “unlived lives” might describe well what it is that writers are expressing when they write their stories and novels.
Living Your Unlived Life wasn’t quite what I expected; whereas I thought I’d be opening a book about identifying what you want from life and taking steps to realize it, instead I found a book about ways to recognize and address your longings and regrets about the life left unlived. At first I was disappointed, but there’s actually quite a bit in the book to think about, and I don’t regret having picked it up and given it a read.
drupagliassotti @ March 3, 2008